intro to poetry

 

Revision

Can I confess to you?

Ever since I

can remember, I had a voice in my head

to do impulsive things

I find that the angel on my shoulder will take a bathroom break

And leaves me with something

Too thoughtless

Too quick

Too smooth

Because then I listen

 

At five years old, I slapped her

I had never slapped her before

I never slapped anyone before

 

But I was mad at her

She took every ounce of attention

She was maybe a year old

The spitting image of me not too long ago

But somehow, I feel like an invisible beggar

Feigning for every ounce of attention she gets, that would have gone to me

While she peacefully lay in her car seat

Waiting to…

My mom left us alone and

As I did not think

I slapped her, my own baby sister

And of course, actions have consequences

 

Because then she cried

When you are absent of thought you forget that

Actions have consequences

I robbed my pregnant mother of the peace

 

Here (in this moment of time) is when I realized my sister was a person too

She isn’t a forcefield against pain and sadness

She is just like me at that moment

feeling hurt because someone hurt her

Looking back I am glad about one thing

 

I lied about it

Because otherwise I would have been slapped too

 

 

Reflection on Revision

Notes

--I could continue this poem can tell more of the aftermath

I noted this down during the workshop and I thought it would be a good idea but adding what happened next feels unnecessary to me this was one of my narrative poems, but I like the shocking ending. You can infer from this that I got off scratch free (my lie worked). I think my goal to show how I felt was achieved especially by the other edits I made throughout the poem

--can add more context

I did end up adding more context I agreed with my group that more detail could be put in (like what she looks like) that once I added it in something about the poem felt done. I added that she looks like me which I feel parallels with my other edit that now she feels like me.

--drew my inspiration from burying the cat and why I hate raisins

I was debating on titling it “slapping a baby” because of the burying the cat poem but I wanted to be more mysterious and make the reader feel like we are in on a secret together because we are. I have never told anyone this. I enjoyed that poem a lot because I feel like we never get to hear about people’s shameful feelings and thoughts. I am not sure if it makes sense how I titled it like why I hate raisins (my original title was can I even confess this?) so I changed it to better include the reader/ make the reader feel included.

--maybe going into more detail, show don’t tell

This was something I saw too when I saw your edits/response I agree I was struggling at those parts, but I think I found my footing. Your suggestions and the suggestions from my group really helped me think through what I needed to say.

--highlighted detail here, what does she look like who is my sister, how did this change my relationship with her

I didn’t see her as an attention-seeking monster after this. she was my really cute baby sister and I didn’t want anyone to hurt her, especially not me.

Additional:

I moved it to the center of the page because here in this poem is my center and I wanted it to be reflected in the poems position on the page.

*first ever poem I was proud of circa 2022